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Jokes
Jul 30, 2012 5:58:18 GMT 10
Post by donk on Jul 30, 2012 5:58:18 GMT 10
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday...”
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
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Jokes
Aug 1, 2012 22:00:38 GMT 10
Post by wrighty05 on Aug 1, 2012 22:00:38 GMT 10
How does an Englishman know that his wife is dead? Sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up in the sink.
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Jokes
Aug 7, 2012 16:11:17 GMT 10
Post by crikey on Aug 7, 2012 16:11:17 GMT 10
The wife left a note on the fridge door "It's not working and I can't take it anymore!! I've gone to stay at my mum's!" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold... **** knows what she was on about!
==================================
Another great day! Went to the gym, then had a nice shower. I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon. I've got a few joints rolled up for the Xbox tournament with the lads. After that I'll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites. Then, to finish off the perfect day, a nice blow job before I go to bed. ****, I love prison!
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Jokes
Aug 7, 2012 16:17:59 GMT 10
Post by donk on Aug 7, 2012 16:17:59 GMT 10
BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
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Jokes
Aug 7, 2012 21:29:37 GMT 10
Post by Bundy on Aug 7, 2012 21:29:37 GMT 10
Haha ;D
Keep them coming!
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Jokes
Aug 10, 2012 17:31:11 GMT 10
Post by HDT05 on Aug 10, 2012 17:31:11 GMT 10
The wife left a note on the fridge door "It's not working and I can't take it anymore!! I've gone to stay at my mum's!" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold... **** knows what she was on about! ================================== Another great day! Went to the gym, then had a nice shower. I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon. I've got a few joints rolled up for the Xbox tournament with the lads. After that I'll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites. Then, to finish off the perfect day, a nice blow job before I go to bed. ****, I love prison! Haha, **** I love prison! Who's giving the blowjob the guy in his room,
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Jokes
Aug 11, 2012 18:29:51 GMT 10
Post by donk on Aug 11, 2012 18:29:51 GMT 10
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'FK me.... how much water did you drink!?'
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2012 20:08:27 GMT 10
Post by donk on Aug 28, 2012 20:08:27 GMT 10
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well... We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2012 20:10:53 GMT 10
Post by donk on Aug 28, 2012 20:10:53 GMT 10
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2012 21:19:19 GMT 10
Post by Bundy on Aug 28, 2012 21:19:19 GMT 10
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time. She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick." ;D
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Jokes
Sept 3, 2012 20:56:53 GMT 10
Post by crikey on Sept 3, 2012 20:56:53 GMT 10
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for an excursion to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'Willies' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?
'No Love', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.'
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Jokes
Sept 3, 2012 21:00:26 GMT 10
Post by Bundy on Sept 3, 2012 21:00:26 GMT 10
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for an excursion to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'Willies' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry. As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3? 'No Love', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.' lol
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Jokes
Sept 5, 2012 17:10:28 GMT 10
Post by donk on Sept 5, 2012 17:10:28 GMT 10
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "Is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
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Jokes
Nov 25, 2012 15:57:22 GMT 10
Post by donk on Nov 25, 2012 15:57:22 GMT 10
A bloke is driving around the back of Walgett and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the bloke recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the ASIO. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The bloke is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****.
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Jokes
Dec 14, 2012 15:44:51 GMT 10
Post by crikey on Dec 14, 2012 15:44:51 GMT 10
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm fecking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fecking drunk."
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Jokes
Dec 14, 2012 22:06:56 GMT 10
Post by Bundy on Dec 14, 2012 22:06:56 GMT 10
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are." Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk." She said, "Yes you are." I said, "No I'm fecking not." She said, "Can you tell the time?" I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fecking drunk." Haha ;D A drunk guy was sitting in a bar. He asked the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender said, "Go down the hall and make a right." All of a sudden, everybody at the bar heard a loud scream and wondered what was going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by, and everybody at the bar heard another loud scream coming out of the bathroom. This time, the bartender went into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk was screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away." The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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