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Jokes
Jun 23, 2012 11:56:38 GMT 10
Post by donk on Jun 23, 2012 11:56:38 GMT 10
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?"says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . . > . > . > . > .
"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"
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Jokes
Jun 23, 2012 12:51:05 GMT 10
Post by crikey on Jun 23, 2012 12:51:05 GMT 10
Haha good thread Donk.
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich German traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that is how the bailout package works.
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Jokes
Jun 23, 2012 20:42:47 GMT 10
Post by donk on Jun 23, 2012 20:42:47 GMT 10
Love It!
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Jokes
Jun 23, 2012 20:57:19 GMT 10
Post by Bundy on Jun 23, 2012 20:57:19 GMT 10
Haha...I'll throw this one in that I found - good old irish pub jokes ;D
"Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar"
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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Jokes
Jun 25, 2012 18:47:01 GMT 10
Post by crikey on Jun 25, 2012 18:47:01 GMT 10
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me. "Fancy buying me a drink?" She said, "Sure." I replied. "If you let me choose." "OK." She grinned, "But how do you know what I want?" "Well, it's kind of a talent" I smiled, "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best." "OK", she giggled. "You can choose for me." So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke mate."
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Jokes
Jun 28, 2012 17:07:38 GMT 10
Post by crikey on Jun 28, 2012 17:07:38 GMT 10
A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart made of plastic, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened up, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart to be buried. At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynaecologist!"
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Jokes
Jun 30, 2012 7:19:10 GMT 10
Post by donk on Jun 30, 2012 7:19:10 GMT 10
A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'
The man said, 'No one showed up.' . . .
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Jokes
Jun 30, 2012 7:54:56 GMT 10
Post by HDT05 on Jun 30, 2012 7:54:56 GMT 10
Lol Donk. Some good jokes here
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2012 15:53:24 GMT 10
Post by crikey on Jul 5, 2012 15:53:24 GMT 10
A small town farmer had 3 daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be somewhat over-protective of them. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure that they knew who was boss. One evening all of his daughters had plans. The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show - Is she ready to go?" The farmer frowned, but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again a few minutes later, the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty, We're gonna get spaghetti - Is she ready?" The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again after a couple of minutes. The farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Chuck..." And the farmer shot him.
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2012 17:25:55 GMT 10
Post by Bundy on Jul 5, 2012 17:25:55 GMT 10
A small town farmer had 3 daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be somewhat over-protective of them. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure that they knew who was boss. One evening all of his daughters had plans. The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show - Is she ready to go?" The farmer frowned, but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again a few minutes later, the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty, We're gonna get spaghetti - Is she ready?" The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again after a couple of minutes. The farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Chuck..." And the farmer shot him. Haha...good one
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Jokes
Jul 6, 2012 16:08:31 GMT 10
Post by donk on Jul 6, 2012 16:08:31 GMT 10
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
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Jokes
Jul 7, 2012 8:10:37 GMT 10
Post by donk on Jul 7, 2012 8:10:37 GMT 10
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
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Jokes
Jul 7, 2012 18:51:43 GMT 10
Post by crikey on Jul 7, 2012 18:51:43 GMT 10
Haha Donk, My son read that last one and laughed lots, Not sure what that means though.
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Jokes
Jul 22, 2012 20:51:14 GMT 10
Post by donk on Jul 22, 2012 20:51:14 GMT 10
Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a tinnie.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What you gonna do with that. There’s no water deep enough to
float a boat within 160 Klms of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his tinnie",
pointing to the paddock behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in the
tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Queensland
a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid.
If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse!"
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Jokes
Jul 22, 2012 21:07:11 GMT 10
Post by Bundy on Jul 22, 2012 21:07:11 GMT 10
Haha
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Jokes
Jul 22, 2012 21:33:46 GMT 10
Post by HDT05 on Jul 22, 2012 21:33:46 GMT 10
Lol, good one donk. I think that's actually an Aussie thing!!
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Jokes
Jul 24, 2012 13:15:20 GMT 10
Post by clubsportr8 on Jul 24, 2012 13:15:20 GMT 10
Ford. Nothing more needs to be said.
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Jokes
Jul 24, 2012 18:21:44 GMT 10
Post by crikey on Jul 24, 2012 18:21:44 GMT 10
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Jokes
Jul 24, 2012 19:04:16 GMT 10
Post by donk on Jul 24, 2012 19:04:16 GMT 10
LOL!
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Jokes
Jul 30, 2012 5:55:29 GMT 10
Post by donk on Jul 30, 2012 5:55:29 GMT 10
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!" The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,
But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door
To that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one. ? ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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